I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
