final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
