I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
