I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
