I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Even my vagina gasped.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
