Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence