Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.