I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
