I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
