i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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