He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
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Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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