don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
