Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
