She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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