Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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