I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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