My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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