remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize