my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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