Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
