i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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