Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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