why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.