I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one