this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
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I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"