New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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