dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
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He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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