Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
