I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
