my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
