Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
