I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
