I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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