everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize