If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
