420 ftw
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
