Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
