I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
