so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
