I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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