so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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