So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
