i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
