i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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