that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
