I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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