just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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