Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
