I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
