woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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