I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
