You can't motorboat a personality
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
