let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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