So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
