Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
