i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
