She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
