I should be sponsored by Trojan
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
