I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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